


How do you Swim In the Suffocating Silence?

by mez_kookie13



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Last words, Letter, M/M, Melancholy, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23127754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mez_kookie13/pseuds/mez_kookie13
Summary: I had always loved your soul-mark.Ever since I saw it, I had always hoped they would be my words.Unfortunately, they were.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	How do you Swim In the Suffocating Silence?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry :/
> 
> But I hope you enjoy <3
> 
> **** THERE IS NO GRAPHIC DESCIPTION OF THE DEATH ****

Dear Jeno,

I had always loved your soul-mark.

Ever since I saw it, I had always hoped they would be my words.

Because they were beautiful words, to match an equally beautiful person.

_“Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable,” you say as you take off your shirt._

_“Jeno, we’ve been best friends for years already. Besides, I’ve already seen you naked and quite frankly I’d like to see more.”_

_“Jaemin.”_

_“C’mon just hop in already. It’s nice and warm.”_

_Leaving your clothes on the floor, you join me in the shower. The proximity is not foreign (as they’ve been many a night of sharing a bed) but an unfamiliar blanket of tension falls over us._

_We wash ourselves, obviously. We’re sweaty from working ~~too~~ hard to make our debut perfect and Mark and Haechan are still waiting for their turn in the shower. The whole reason for showering together is to be quick anyway. _

_The thick silence makes me uncomfortable. As a true extrovert, I prefer to drown in noise rather than silence. You, the beautiful introvert you are, like the silence, and I wonder if you are suffocating just as I am, or you have purposely filled the room with it, as you often do, just to watch me struggle while you swim with grace._

_“Jaemin.” Your voice is too quiet for my liking. Will this be the flailing arm that swipes away the blanket? I think. “Can you tell me what my soul-mark says?”_

_My jaw and the blanket of tension drops to the floor, leaving pure shock in its wake._

_I thought only lovers are meant to see each other’s soul-marks._

_“That’s true,” you say. I hadn’t just thought it after all. “But I trust you, Jaemin.”_

_“Are… are you sure?”_

_“Yes.” You grab my hands and I involuntarily flinch at the pull to reality. “Nana, please.”_

_The nickname dissolves any reason I might’ve had. Besides, I always give in to you anyways._

_“Ok.”_

_As you turn my hands travel by themselves to the small of your back, covering the place where I will find you mark._

_“Jeno, before I look, can you… can you tell me why you want me to see it?”_

_A moment’s hesitation._

_“Maybe… maybe I feel as if ‘friends” can no longer define us.”_

_Shock makes me pull my hands back, but this uncovers your mark._

_“Oh, Jeno, it’s beautiful.”_

_The inky script swirls around your lower back like mist on a cloudy morning, and before I can stop myself, I am bending down to place a small kiss over the words:_

_‘Goodbye, I love you.’_

Perhaps they were regular words, but it means you got to find your soulmate;

Got to live a life with them;

Got to love them.

You read my soulmark that day too: “I’ll see you soon.”

I never liked it.

Too boring, too plain, no sign of love.

I liked yours.

Poetic, beautiful, lovely.

Although you disagreed, you thought mine was just as poetic.

_“Nana – nana stop – ah! – that tickles”_

_“Jeno, can I not cuddle my best friend in peace?”_

_“That was not cuddling. You were savagely attacking my sides.”_

_“Whatever, now turn over, you tiny spoon.”_

_“No, you’re just going to kiss my mark.”_

_“Ok, and?”_

_“…. Why do you always do that?”_

_“_ Because, _Nono, it’s absolutely gorgeous.”_

_“But so is yours and you won’t let me kiss it.”_

_“Because mine is not.”_

_“Yes, it is!”_

_“Is not!”_

_“Is too!”_

_“Is not!”_

_“Is too!”_

_“Ok, so it is, but how? It’s so boring and doesn’t even show if my soulmate loved me. If I ever even found my soulma-”_

_“Perhaps! But it is also a promise. A promise to see each other again. In another life, in heaven, or whatever you want to believe. Mine doesn’t hold any promise for the future, does it?”_

_“… I suppose not.”_

_“So, will you let me kiss it?”_

_“I- “_

_“Turn over, you big beautiful fool.”_

And I did see the words differently after that day.

And I let you kiss them too.

And perhaps I loved you kissing my mark as much as I loved kissing yours.

Not long after, however, I had to go on hiatus.

A whole year without soft lips on the small of my back.

Without mine on yours.

It hurt more than I thought it would.

But it made me realise one thing: I could not live without you.

We went for two days maximum without texting each other;

Called every chance we had;

Video chatted at least once a week.

But it wasn’t enough.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

But distance made my heart ache.

So when I got back I made sure to call you mine.

_I look above me and see the stars, each twinkling in their little places, so easy to get lost._

_I look at you, head sitting on my lap as we lie on a picnic rug on the top of the SM building and now the stars are in your eyes, each twinkling in their little places, so much easier to get lost._

_“Hey, Nono, guess what day it is.” I’m surprised I can hear the words coming out of my mouth with my heart pounding in my ears._

_“Err... two days after my birthday?”_

_“No~”_

_“Our debut anniversary?_

_“Closer but no~”_

_“What is it then?”_

_I draw in a shaky breath. No matter how much time we spend together, you always manage to turn my insides into knots._

_“It’s the anniversary of us reading each other’s soulmarks.” You’re silent as you stare at that stars, avoiding my eyes._

_“… true.”_

_“You know, only lovers are meant to know each other’s soul marks.”_

_Your silence scares me this time. It hasn’t since that day exactly two years ago but I feel as if I’m drowning in it once again._

_“… true.”_

_A breath of air._

_“So, what if I told you, I want to be your lover?”_

_I’m pulled under again by a rushing tide. It’s all encompassing and I can’t breathe as I await your response. The overwhelming silence is only broken by the hammering of my heart in my ears._

_“What if I told you, the feeling is mutual?”_

_And just like that I’m washed up on shore, breathing, alive, and in the glowing embrace of the moon._

_“Can I kiss you?”_

_“Please.”_

_You sit up. My lips are on yours. They move against each other like the pull and push of tides. We dance together under the moonlight of our shore on the island of love we’ve created. And it’s over all too soon, but I know I must be patient, because now those lips are mine and I can kiss them whenever I want._

We tried to hide it from the others.

I struggle to remember why.

Probably something like fear of judgement.

We were two scared boys in a heteronormative world.

And a brutal entertainment industry.

But with the way Mark and Haechan looked at each other, and still do, we really had nothing to worry about.

It was actually Jisung and Chenle who found out first.

Do you remember?

When they found us on the dance room floor ~~making out~~?

I do.

Chenle’s screech can be hard to forget.

But you know those bastards.

Can’t keep a secret to themselves.

Soon the rest of the group knew.

And then the company.

_“Do you realise the impact this could have on your group?”_

_“Yes”_

_“Of course”_

_“Do you understand that this must be kept from fans at all costs?”_

_“Yes, sir”_

_“Yes”_

_“… Do you really love each other, and think deep down that it will work?”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“Of course, sir”_

_“Definitely”_

Hiding it from fans was the hardest part.

But we did pretty well, you know.

No one else found out for a good year and a bit.

Until Christmas.

When that photo of us was leaked.

I still remember how we cried.

Pouring oceans from our eyes.

Wondering why it was such a crime to hold hands as you watched a street performer with your boyfriend.

But it was an important day.

Because we grew stronger as one.

And we made love that evening.

Because we love each other.

So, so, so much.

And after a while, fans were actually pretty supportive.

True, sometimes sensitive questions were asked,

but that couldn’t be helped.

We did well.

Our mistake however, was normalising the use of our soulmarks.

_“Nana, I’m just going to the studio for bit, ok? One of the vocal teachers has called me in,” you say as you put on your shoes. It was only just starting to get warm enough to leave your coat at home._

_“Ok,” I call. “Goodbye, I love you.”_

_You freeze in the doorway, breaths quickening._

_“Oh, Jeno, I’m sorry.” I say, realising my words and rushing to embrace you. “See, I’m saying more, I’m still speaking. Those aren’t the last words you’ll hear from me.” I swallow you in my arms and kiss every inch of your face until your breathing calms again. “I’m sorry, Jeno.”_

_“Nana, I’m ok.” Never again will I feel relief as great as I do hearing those words. “But, it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently, because both of our soulmarks are really common phrases. We should normalise saying them, get used to using them, but just make sure we don’t say the other one back.”_

_It’s risky, to say the least, but the human race as a whole doesn’t honestly know a lot about the ‘last-words-soulmark’ thing, so it’s not like the people around us can give us advice. But, all we can do is try._

_“… ok. Ok, let’s give it a shot.”_

_You smile my favourite smile of yours. The one where your eyes turn into little crescents. Happiness looks best on you._

_“Ok, then. I love you. I’ll see you soon.” My breath catches at your words, though I know they’re not your last to me._

_“Ok. Ok, yeah, I love you. Don’t forget that.” I finish my stuttering with a kiss to your forehead, just for good measure, and your smile widens before you disappear behind the door._

_And I know you’ll be coming back to me._

It gave me security that you would always come back to me.

That our words didn’t have a huge role in our lives.

That they didn’t shape our destiny.

I learnt that the hard way.

_“Hey, Nana, I’m done with my photo shoot so I’m going to catch a taxi back to the dorm, ok?_

_“Yeah, sounds good. Renjun’s finishing off his shoot so I’ll be after him and then we’ll travel back together.”_

_“Do you want me to stay?”_

_“Nah, you head home, you look absolutely shattered.”_

_“Haha, yeah. I feel like it too. But in that case, I love you and good luck with your shoot.”_

_“Thanks, Nono”_

_“I’ll see you soon.”_

_“Goodbye, I love you”_

  
I didn’t even think anything of it.

Until I got the news travelling back to the dorm with Renjun and our manager.

A car accident.

I didn’t even get to the hospital in time to say goodbye to you.

Although I suppose I already had.

In those words I loved most.

I needed someone to blame.

But it was a car accident.

_Accident_

It wasn’t on purpose, there was no one _to_ blame.

So I blamed myself.

I still do.

I shouldn’t throw words around like that.

The only one to catch them is death.

I spiralled downhill pretty quickly too.

The group needed to take a six-month hiatus just to grieve.

And even then it was hard.

I have a therapist now.

She’s the one who told me to write this letter to you.

And it took me a long time to even consider it.

Because I have a lot of memories.

And a lot of emotions.

I suppose you would know that best.

But it’s hard to face them.

It’s hard to dive into the ocean to see what’s at the bottom.

It’s hard to sit in the silence you loved.

When it’s so hard to breathe.

But I tried my best.

I _try_ my best.

For you.

Because despite everything, you are still my soulmate.

It doesn’t matter that you are not with me in body.

Because I feel you in spirit.

And I have always loved your soulmark.

Because it means you found to find your soulmate.

Got to live a life with them.

Got to love them.

Love me.

And you made a promise to me.

A promise to see each other again.

In another life, in heaven, or whatever you want to believe.

So, Jeno,

I will try, and try, and try again to better myself,

To heal myself.

Because I know that’s what you would have wanted.

And I hope that somewhere, somehow, you are reading this.

So please know, Jeno,

That I will see you soon.

Good bye, my love.

I love you.

Love from,

Your soulmate, Jaemin,

Who is constantly drowning under the weight of silence, because he no longer has his Jeno to bring him to the surface to breathe.


End file.
